A few weeks ago, while in meditation, the Higher Self of a person from my past came to me and asked for absolution. It felt like an interesting request, one that I’m not able to fulfill.
Years ago, as I worked through the effects of four years of sexual abuse, I wanted to hunt him down like a vigilante and proclaim to the world what he’d done. My therapist wisely advised against this.
The trauma affected me in ways I wasn’t able to fully see and articulate until I was on the other side.
Healing came in stages.
- The physical aspects of how my body was violated in ways that no young person should ever experience.
- The mental aspects where I felt like I’d done something to cause this to happen to me.
- The emotional aspects of the guilt and shame I carried for so many years. Feeling that I’d not only done something wrong, that I, as a human being, was wrong. I must have done something really bad to deserve this.
- I healed and cleared the energies I carried in my body from the violations.
Healing came in waves.
- I shed tears as I mourned what my younger self hadn’t been able to.
- I wrote and spoke letters that would never be sent, cathartic exercises to put into words what always wanted and needed to be said.
- I let go of the stories from my subconscious.
- Spiritually, I came to a place of peace within my heart.
Forgiveness was an important aspect, yet it wasn’t an act of forgiving him.
Forgiveness with another sometimes implies that one person is above the other. It can put power in someone’s hands and continue what’s most often a negative tie between the two.
It’s not for me to lord anything over anyone, even though my old self thought she’d be a great vigilante.
Forgiveness meant letting go of the story and the energetic connection. More importantly, it meant forgiving myself for judging my younger self so harshly. For carrying stories of blame that were never mine to carry. For carrying the wounds for so long because I resisted healing them.
I absolved myself.
So, what to do with his request?
In our conversation, I let him know I carry no ill-will towards him. That he is the only one who can absolve himself. It’s his responsibility, and between him and God.
Had I not already worked through this, my answer probably would have been, “Hell NO!” Which would have kept me stuck in a place that was already ill-serving for far longer than it needed to be.
Asking for forgiveness can feel like a quick fix, to have someone let you off the hook. What’s more powerful is to say you’re sorry and why.
Absolution really only happens when we see our part and the impact it had on self and another. This is when and how we heal our hearts.
I don’t know where he is on his path. His Higher Self coming to me is an acknowledgement I stopped looking for many years ago because I acknowledged myself.
It’s been profound and humbling to sit with this, and it’s brought a deeper level of healing in all aspects of my being. What an incredible gift, just in time for Christmas.