This is the cancer within my body. One night, it asked to be seen. So, as I do with much of my art, it intuitively drew and then colored itself. Entitled, The Cancer. It’s been named and drawn because it’s very real.
In the past, it’s been easy to disassociate from trauma and challenging situations. It’s what kept me sane during certain periods of my life. You could touch my body, say or not say or do things, or put unrealistic expectations on me (which I accepted). Through these events, I found creative ways to disconnect from what I didn’t really want to see, or wasn’t emotionally capable to process at the time.
There is no disconnecting or disassociating from this. I can’t pretend it isn’t here, even when I physically and mentally feel really good. I can’t pretend that my stem cells didn’t take on an unnatural energetic form, a different geometric shape if you will.
When I look at this picture, I see at the core the twisted energy. An infinity broken in pieces with errant spots in the deepest layers. Archangel Michael is with me via the turquoise. I see the purity in the white with a lot of space to be. There’s light in the darkness. The inside edges are rough, just like the tumor removed from me nearly six weeks ago. I see the red edges, the old unexpressed anger and frustration I carried for a long time. I see the invasion. I also see the emerging flower. You may see something else.
I’ve learned that breast cancer grows from 7 to 12 years before detection. Cancer is a disruption to the immune system and the mal-expression of our DNA. We all carry the potential for cancer within us and the normal communication between our cells naturally takes care of and cleanses what doesn’t align. When we overload our bodies with toxins, the normal communication breaks down. The way our cells interact gets twisted.
Ignoring what’s going on doesn’t usually mean death in the physical sense, at least not in the short-term. This though, is different. Ignoring the cancer means it will eventually eat away at my cells until it becomes all consuming.
Think of the bubbles that form when making caramel. When the sugar heats, the bubbles begin to consume each other. Cancer cells and tumors are like an internal Pac-Man gobbling up sugar ingested into the body. Cancer feeds on sugar.
When I look back, I, like many, abused my body in many ways. Through a diet full of unhealthy foods, working long days in an extremely challenging environment, lack of sleep to accommodate the long work days, lack of beneficial movement, and a biopsy in which a marker was installed in my body without prior discussion. My body and my being were violated in many ways, much at my own hands.
I’m not pointing a specific finger to lay blame. I’ve worked through how I used to live my life. I don’t regret having the lumpectomy, because the bulk of the tumor and the old marker are gone. I also have no regret for cancelling the mastectomy. I’m at peace.
There’s another path for me to take beyond the “traditional” radiation and chemo. Traditional treatments which don’t connect with or heal our stem cells, that don’t get to the real source. My work has always been to get to the origin point because when it’s clear, we’re clear.
Yes, this cancer is asking for more. It’s not just the tumor that wanted to be recognized. This is a journey to look at what’s underneath, to go deeper. Deeper into the energy and healing work I do. Deeper into how our human story affects us, sometimes long after we think we’re through. Deeper into my heart for myself and others. Deeper into the alternative modalities that are available, alternatives that won’t poison my body with more toxins. She’s already had enough.
Cancer is an ugly disease and there’s something beautiful that can come out of it. As Cat Stevens sings, “I’m on the road to find out.”