You are a divine being.
If you’d said this to me even six months ago, I would have said no, turned around and walked away. Even through all of the “work” I’d done to clear my past, I didn’t believe I was worthy of this. Yet it’s our birthright. We are all born of Spirit. Open, full of joy and wonder.
But then we take on the layers of life and lose this connection with who we really are.
I lost my connection through many layers of trauma, some at the hands of others, some at my own. Sexual and psychological abuse from others; alcohol, drugs, sex, overworking, from my own hands. I did everything I could to turn off what I didn’t want to feel.
Just before my 17th birthday, I announced I was an atheist and no longer believed in God. I had nothing left. And if there was a God, why had I experienced what I had?
Pushing my way through life gave me a sense of control in a world that felt really unsafe. In reality, I was pushing myself further away from my relationship with me. The thought of opening myself up to trust, really trust in something greater, scared the shit out of me.
In 2020, speaking on stage in NYC and Austin, travel to Peru, were not to be. I rebelled against my big plans being cancelled, against the silence I felt thrust into. Then I settled in and listened.
People appeared as catalysts to help me “see.” I worked with gifted healers because I no longer live by the DIY ideals I grew up with. When something presented, I communed with it. As it was released, space was created for what wanted to come through. This past year was a blessing in disguise.
The things I “thought” I’d healed came back in new ways, deeper levels, to be explored.
I released many layers of shame, made peace with myself and others, with my “stories,” and my relationship with God. It’s not the God I grew up with though, the guy in the robe with the white beard sitting up in the clouds. It’s not the God I was taught to give my power to in the church of my heritage.
My connection with Spirit is expansive. It’s one I feel deep in my bones and my heart. This journey to now was for me to experience how deep the dark night of the soul can go, and to experience deep healing and love that surrounds and supports me in ways that continues to grow.
In this time, I’ve reconnected with and reintegrated younger parts of myself lost along the way. The energy work I do with myself and clients deepened in beautiful ways. I’m writing my second book, much different than the first, yet one of healing and coming back to ourselves.
2020 opened a door, just a hair, and I made the conscious choice to open it, to take a new leap of faith, even though I didn’t know what was going to be through that door. Every time I’ve done this, life opens up in ways I never could have foreseen.
There’s a statement written on a sticky note on my refrigerator, “your biggest fear is the key to your freedom.” I wrote it early last year, not fully knowing what this meant for me. I used to fear just hearing the word God, let alone to speak it.
This new conscious way of being is one filled with joy and contentment. I no longer fear my relationship with God. It deepens with my relationship with myself.
I am a divine being. As are you. There’s a light shining for you. What’s calling?